The Secret to Changing Any Habit
You know that thing that you’ve been trying to change about yourself for the last few years? The extra 15 pounds, the procrastination, the choosing the wrong people to date, the staying in your comfort zone and not leaving your job, your addictions or that fucked up thought you keep thinking. Yeah that thing.
Take pause and consider. What has been worse, what has caused the most suffering - the thing you want to change or the torment of your shame and self attack about it?
Interesting, right? Now, what if I told you that freedom from that pain and the ability to actually change that thing is all waiting on the other side of a perspective shift. The simple yet formidable pivot is to go from “I hate this thing about me and I have to change it” to “This is a part of who I am and it serves a purpose.”
I know that might seem counter-intuitive. How could embracing the thing we want to change lead to leaving it behind or transforming habits? Get curious, stay open and listen for how this change of perspective can shift the way you think, feel, choose and experience life?
Underpinning this pivot from self attack, self criticism to self acceptance are common fundamental truths and universal laws you’re already aware of. Irrefutable tenets whose simplicity almost confuses the mind. Today we’ll apply these concepts to the long held and deeply ingrained ways you’ve been unconsciously undermining yourself.
The indisputable influence and consequences of self love, self compassion and the law of like attracts like, all dictate that the energy of self criticism can not lead you to progress, peace or empowerment. What’s more, shame, which underpins the self judgment, is a powerful force that will keep you stuck, self pathologizing and self hating. If self attack is the spinning wheels that keep you stuck, then loving on the part of you that does that thing is the leverage to get unstuck. Now, don’t jump the gun and take this to mean that saying some random affirmation or disingenuous statement of self acceptance will magically transform your life. What I’m talking about is a pattern interruption and slow turning of the ship that leads to a new destination. Where this pivot in perspective and more importantly, practice, leads is to the promised land of owning who you are, the all of you, prized bits and bits you used to judge for doing its best. The embracing of your whole inclusive self, leads to authenticity as power. The revolutionary act of accepting yourself as you are becomes a signature of trustworthiness and leadership that will make you magnetic. Also, this approach means living your life going with the current, instead of exhausting yourself fighting what is. Doesn’t that sound like relief?
Ok, so from theoretical to real world application. How can this actually impact our lives?
The problem that plagues us
To begin, let’s clear up why you haven’t been able to change that thing about yourself or your circumstance despite all your best efforts and desire. We’re always growing, adapting, desiring, learning and so it stands that we want to evolve. The trouble arises, however, when instead of remaining compassionately curious about why we do that thing or are that way, we lose ourselves in self blame and judging ourselves as wrong or bad.
Here’s an example - let’s say at some point you started thinking of yourself and viewing yourself as fat. Fat with an aftertaste of disgust. Perhaps someone in your family or at school made a mean spirited comment and it landed like a seed in fertile soil. From that moment forward you became hyper conscious of your weight and for the most part you now self identify as someone who should lose weight in order to be attractive, worthy, respectable, loveable, good even. Fast forward a few decades and somehow despite all your best efforts you’re still fighting this internal and external battle. You’re still judging yourself and feeling bad about yourself for the way you look, for not working hard enough to resemble a fitness model. You’d think all those years trying to lose weight would have paid off. All that time and energy focused on changing, being someone different, someone better, should have moved the needle right? But it didn’t.
Maybe your problem is not weight, maybe it’s money. When you were young you realized very early on that your family was not rich, in fact, your family was not even middle class. And unfortunately being poor comes with the subtle yet insidious conditioning that you are less than those with money. Nonetheless, you tried your damndest to work your way toward financial security. You were told to work hard and anything can be yours. So you did but try as you might for years and years, you’re still struggling financially. Based on everything you know you conclude the problem must be you. You’re not doing it right, you’re not hustling hard enough, you’re not smart enough or maybe it’s just not meant to be for someone like you. By now you’re feeling jaded, hopeless, resentful and bad about yourself.
In both of those examples, there is no shortage of desire to change, no lack of awareness or attention to the issue and there’s certainly effort. So why isn’t it enough? Why does change and progress evade us when we set out after it? It’s because the way we fixate, shame and blame ourselves is a crippling trap.
It’s also reflective of a society in which we’re told, “you’re the cause of everything in your life and it’s on you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” This programming has us self hating and blaming ourselves for things that are often legitimately caused by societal, cultural and systemic issues. Do you see how when you don’t examine your self judgements the default setting is belittling and berating opinions of yourself?
So, how do you liberate yourself from that trap and make progress?
It’s imperative keep reminding yourself that judging and shaming always moves you in the wrong direction. It’s never going to fuel your desired change, it’s never going to nurture a pivot or shift, it’s just going to fortify resistance.
When you say “I'm an undisciplined, disgusting person because I eat too much”, a beautiful and brilliant part of you will resist and revolt that abuse. The part of you that chooses to self soothe, self regulate, facilitate joy or relief through food will go to great lengths to take care of you the only way it knows how and it will sabotage your plan to eliminate the snacktivity that brings you comfort.
This rebellion is also a firm “fuck you”, “no thank you”, “I don’t believe you” to the rude inner critic calling yourself fat and disgusting. Despite the loving brilliance of your subconscious, determined to defend your wisdom and dignity, that resistance will not bring you change.
It’s ok to want to lose weight, be more productive, stop your addiction or whatever your desire is. But know that if your only tool is a hammer, then every problem will look like a nail and you’ll be beaten and broken down by vicious ineffective self judgement.
The Solution - Part 1
I came to know and integrate this game changing perspective pivot after learning about Human Design and separately, the work of Unshaming. These two tools changed my trajectory and freed me up for real growth. Below I provide my abridged overview and encourage you to follow the thread for your own wonderful unraveling.
From the system of Human Design, I was introduced to individual mechanics. This is the concept that our cosmic fingerprint, the way we process and move through the world, who we are encoded to be, gets inscribed during the window of our appearance Earth side, reflecting the celestial arrangement at that time. The mechanics of how you think, feel and function are individual to you and upon learning about your specific design it liberates you from thinking you should be like this one standardized person the world keeps harping on about.
I’ll give you a quick example. According to human design, there are 5 energy types, of which, generators are the most prevalent on Earth at 70% of the population. Generators have access to a consistent supply of sacral energy, giving them what it takes to keep going, day in and day out. They are the life force and builders of this world. If they’re aligned with something they genuinely love, then they have an almost endless supply of energy for it. Now, imagine you’re one of the other energy types living in this world dominated by generators. When you inevitably run out of energy because you don’t have this consistent supply of energy, you likely will think something is wrong with you. Why can’t you keep going or keep up? Why do you need so much rest, alone time, time away? When we don’t embrace our differences, do you see how the default is self attack, not compassionate curiosity?
This was my story. I thought I was lazy and undisciplined. I shamed myself and let other people shame me for my inability to push through, full steam ahead, no days off, go hard. I bought into the story that something was wrong with me and I needed to change. As you can imagine what happened next is I felt a hundred times worse and became even more ineffective because I was shitting on myself and cosigning on judgements from people and the conditioned world around me. Once I learned my energy type was one that required long periods of rest and time alone to recharge, not only did it all make sense but I became more effective as a result of honoring my own mechanics. This perspective pivot brought so much relief from trying to be something I couldn’t and in the space that opened up from all that grace, I was able to draw from the depths of my own insight and creativity. The shift was palpable.
We’re not meant to be one homogeneous expression of human.
If you want to learn about your own unique design, go to a site like https://human.design/ enter your birth information and begin a deep dive into your mechanics.
The Solution - Part 2
The second component was a healing that turned into the leverage to getting unstuck and advancing in life. This piece is called Unshaming and I learned it from brilliant coach Simone Seol and her teacher, David Bredrick. When hurtful or traumatic things happen in life and we do not have a loving witness, in either someone else or in ourselves, then we internalize whatever we’re told or programmed to believe about that experience. For instance, if you were abused as a child and no one came to your aid, or you told an adult and they blamed you or denied it happened. Then without that loving witness to acknowledge your pain or stand up for you, you adopt the subconscious belief that you deserved it, it wasn’t that bad, it didn’t really happen or that you should keep things like that to yourself. This belief goes on to live in the mind and body as shame. The shame then influences a development of certain attitudes and behaviors. It could be over drinking, eating, shopping, lying, sex, fierce independence, distrust, meanness, people pleasing, etc. Whatever it is, it originally spawned from a place of self protection, an attempt to help you feel better, have some semblance of control and significance.
Later you might find yourself in a place where you no longer want that compulsive behavior or attitude as a means to self soothe. Why this change is challenging for so many of us is because at this point we’ve adopted the belief that we’re bad, immoral and fucked up for being this way. The original pain is now buried beneath layers of shame about the subsequent coping mechanism. You can’t see the genius and compassion in your original choice because you’re consumed with self judgment.
Unshaming taught me to get curious about why we do the things we do, to approach a desire for change from a place of empathy and respect for my intelligence and humanity. What is it about this habit that I love? What purpose does it serve? What about it gives me so much satisfaction and relief? I learned to follow the flashes of wisdom in my choices like threads that lead to a deeper truth.
In doing so, I step further away from the consuming fire of self hatred and more into the open expanse of neutrality, into that field Rumi spoke of beyond right and wrong. The best part about this unshaming work is that it will lead you to discover profound and beautiful truths about yourself.
PRACTICE: Steps to perspective pivot and disarm resistance to change
Do this exercise.
Think of something you currently do that you’d like to change. It can be a habit like, I eat too late at night or I procrastinate. It can be an unconscious quality like, I’m messy or I avoid conflict. It can even be a recurring thought like, I tell myself, “no one wants to hear what I have to say.” Whatever comes up first, roll with that.
Write it down and then beneath that write down what comes to mind when you think about when you first started doing that thing or being that way. Maybe it was when you were 7 or 8, maybe it’s when you went away to college, maybe it started after you got divorced. Take note of when you noticed this and what were the circumstances at the time.
Now, write down the first thing that comes to mind when you recall someone else being critical of this behavior or quality. Maybe someone told you you were wrong or bad for it, maybe you heard it on tv, from a teacher or read it in a book. Maybe it’s a cultural expectation. Write down your first memory of external disapproval or judgement around this thing. Notice if this outside criticism preceded you feeling really bad about yourself.
Now pause and take a deep breath. Allow yourself to connect with the part of you that does this thing or perpetuates this quality. The part of you that you feel is lazy or insecure, rebellious or a sabateur, the part of you that keeps making this same choice or the one who is addicted to food, alcohol, shopping, sex, lying, scrolling. Whatever it is. Don’t rush, don’t judge and leave space to hear from this one, to feel what they feel.
Begin to witness this part of you as an advocate and ally. Open up to the feeling of supporting and defending this part of you. Get curious about what good comes from you being this way, get curious about why you chose to do this. What are the sensations, payouts, reliefs or rewards that come from this? Write down what comes up.
Look at the undesired behavior or thought again, this time through the eyes of the divine as they would look down upon a child. What would unconditional love and compassion make of this choice or quality? Breathe and feel into the resourcefulness of this choice, see if you can locate the genius acting on your behalf. Was this born from self soothing, was this a means to keep you safe from harm or did this come to be as a reclamation of your power, a stand for defending and honoring your soul. List the good reasons.
Look at the quality or behavior again and this time try on claiming it as true, owning it without judgement. What if a part of you was lazy or conflict avoidant or a people pleaser? What if your true nature was big and meant to take up space so your body found a way to express that in size? What if you are selfish? Write down what brilliance or benefit can come from this? How is this quality or behavior a gift that actually serves you? Where can you own this in your life? Write down what comes to mind and notice if this aspect of yourself shows up in the body in the form of a particular sensation or if it resides somewhere specific.
With your attention on this part of you, send it love, let it know you see it and you’re sorry for shaming and blaming it, let it know that you’re curious to why it wants your attention and that you’re listening. What is the message that comes forth? What does your inner child, subconscious or higher self want you to know or do? Write it down.
Look at your list again. Do you feel the difference in your body between self hate and self acceptance? That is worth it, that is a tremendous step in the right direction. Beating yourself up keeps you in the old loop. Treating yourself with loving kindness is the breakout and boon you’ve been waiting for.
Conscious self acceptance is a vanquisher of unconscious resistance yall. And when that resistance softens or fades away, you’ll change and flow and move and grow. Do you see how this is a powerful pattern interruption?
My own personal transformation
For me, this journey of learning to get compassionately curious and embrace my full self lifted the weight of trying to be like someone else, it lifted depression and shame, it lifted expectations of doing things any other way than in authentic alignment with me. From this new place, lasting change happened, upleveling, upliftment, forward progress, creation, ease, success, satisfaction and peace came. Miraculously, none of it came at the expense of disrespecting myself or working harder.
Does that sound like something you’re up for?
This work of unshaming and learning who you really are is easier facilitated with a loving witness. If you’ve never worked with a coach before this is part of the experience - to be powerfully affirmed as you are, to be reminded of your inherent goodness, value, worth, resilience, power and unique genius.
If you’ve gone this far with your default story being something is wrong with you and you need to change, then having that replaced with explicit reflection of your courage and beauty, is going to be a life-changing, mind-rewiring, question-everything, kind of breakthrough.
If this struck a chord with you, let me know. The most successful people get as far ahead as they do because they have support, allies, coaches, teachers, guides. Consider this your sign to bolster your journey with loving expertise.
Here’s how I support you
One of my super powers is being able to see you through the lens of the divine. Whether that’s for your personal brand, life journey or in group coaching. Send me your questions or comments. And if you want to talk about working together, schedule time with me on my website.