My Panic Attack Liberated Me - how naming our fears sets us free
Running free after naming my fears and anxieties
This is a wild before and after story of how I was debilitated by fear when my job came to an end and I was faced with the truth that the time had finally come for me to divest from others and choose me.
A.K.A that time I had a full blown, OMG I’m going to die, panic attack when I realized it was time to leap.
What I'm going to share with you is what I went through to finally let go of working for others and build my own business. Your dream, your edge, your confronting desire might be different but the methodology I’ll provide will help you. Whatever your threshold is … please normalize freaking the fuck out about safety and security, about loss of identity and fear of the unknown. You leaving or being ejected from your comfort zone is not simply a matter of applying self help quotables and going for it, taking the leap or living at your edge. To your subconscious, your inner child, your ego, this, whatever your bold choice is, is death. So go easy - don’t shame or criticize yourself for staying in the life raft that is your current life.
Back to my debilitating panic attack - the thing that saved me and propelled me forward out of fear and anxiety is a commonly overlooked tool that gets us to our goals faster. It’s a tow, a life line, out of analysis paralysis, out of living in the bog of a subtle, sneaky, drawn out freeze response. It’s a way to de-escalate a mind racing and bracing with anxiety.
The tool and treasure I'm talking about is naming your fears.
You’ve probably heard about or done this exercise before. You might have a more expert understanding on the how’s and why’s of this psychology technology. If that’s the case, consider this a reminder or a retelling in a way that can land differently. If you’ve never heard of this until today, this is one of those things you have to do in order to get. Meaning, don’t skip over the actionable advice below, doing the exercise is how you activate this magic.
The worries, fears, anxieties and doubts that ruminate and wreak havoc in your mind are often triggered by imagining a scenario that shifts you out of the “safety” of your comfort zone. They can also be brought on by old traumas, ptsd or when our attachment styles, codependencies or survival instincts come online. It doesn’t really matter how they get activated as much as how we respond to that very real part of us that’s having a moment. Facing these haunting thoughts head on and acknowledging them has a powerful liberating effect. In one courageous confession session you can start to undo the gripping power these subconscious fears have over you and your life.
It’s like an exorcism of the ghosts living rent free in your mind!
In my story, naming my fears led to a major breakthrough when I was faced with massive anxiety from job loss and career, life, and money uncertainty. I was too dysregulated and scared to move forward. Your situation might be different but the mechanism is still the same. Whether you’re fearful of leaving a relationship, changing careers, moving to a new city, speaking your truth, being seen in your vulnerability or making yourself a priority, you can dismantle the thought structure holding you hostage. Here’s the breakdown of what to do to convert your panic into a pivot point that actually propels you toward what you want.
It always starts with a shake up, a trigger …
I had just been laid off. The company I was working for had to make serious cuts and could no longer keep me on. Relevant to this, initially I passed on the job the first few times it was offered. My friend courted me every few months to join her mission and add my excellence but for the longest time I said no. No, because I had sworn off giving my life force energy to making someone else’s dream come true. No, because I knew I wanted to pursue my own vision. No, because I longed to get out ahead into that field of doing me, being my own focal point, honoring my own gifts in the world.
But, I wasn’t ready for that solo entrepreneur journey just yet. I had a strong vision for it but there were edges and aspects to this choice that scared me and I had yet to confront my fears head on. So I said yes to the job instead. Important side note, let’s not hate on the practical wisdom of supporting one’s life financially while simultaneously forging our skills and courage in the fire of desire.
Back to my story, three plus years into working for my friend’s company, my trust in my own path was now almost fully formed. I knew my own personal brand was calling me and I was summoning courage at the threshold of my leap. I had everything I needed within me so the universe in its wisdom and grace pushed me out of the proverbial nest by laying me off.
My first reaction was I was angry about losing my income, which had come to be a placeholder for security, peace and freedom. The money was a comfort that entranced me, a spell that quieted the call to be the center of my own universe, to sovereignly rule over my own domain. When the job vanished, the fear of not having an income, the fear of regressing to being broke, the victim mentality that rushed in to fill the void, all these voices started screaming we’re fucked without this money coming in. My ego’s false sense of security was threatened, and trust in myself and what I was capable of, excitement over a new fresh start, gratitude for my liberation … none of that could be found.
Instead of celebrating my new beginning, I was languishing in what was, gripping to the past out of fear of facing the future.
It was time to jump but I was immobilized by fear and doubt.
Staying in the purgatory of non action can feel like constant low grade stress, analysis paralysis, frustration and being trapped from the subconscious working overtime to stay small and avoid danger.
The disregard of your higher self’s calling, your soul’s desire, can manifest as an unshakable shadow of dissatisfaction, anger, disappointment and bitterness. And then one day when push comes to shove and your repression bubbles over, you might find yourself in an existential crisis or panic attack.
I’m not saying abandon your life to pursue your dream of being a poet living in the south of France or be forever haunted. But I am saying, start now and come into relationship with the part of you that is yearning. Come into relationship with the part of you that is scared. Get to know them both and in the understanding that grows you’ll find yourself making progress and moving forward.
What to do if you are in existential freak out or spiraling in fear?
Here’s how I arrived at the solution. After getting laid off, at my crossroads between hanging onto the past and irrational fear of going for my dream, an innocent suggestion from my husband triggered a full blown panic attack. He suggested, “Let’s do something fun with our afternoon. You have time, let’s go out and enjoy ourselves.” In that moment, the thought of carefree play was like a brick through the window pane of my psychological defenses. I shattered and all my stuff came flooding out.
How could I think of going off to enjoy life when clearly the sky was falling? The idea of taking time to enjoy myself when my security had been pulled out from underneath me like a rug whipped my fears into a frenzy and I started shaking and crying. I was hyperventilating from anxiety, I couldn’t think straight, my body was freaking out and my nervous system was derailing. I shouldn’t take the afternoon off, I should be working, figuring out the disaster that was my life, I should be responsible, diligent, salvaging a future instead of pissing off to have fun.
This is how my unacknowledged desires and fears ruptured into my life like a not so dormant volcano of repressed thoughts and feelings. Has this ever happened to you where something simple or innocent set off an unraveling?
Thankfully, in my escalation, a part of me led the way to grounding action. This part of my true self or soul came to the rescue with calm leadership and knowing. Have you experienced this kind of wisdom emerge in yourself in a moment of crisis? We went home and trembling with shallow breath I was guided to sit on the floor on a meditation pillow surrounded by my large house plants. I put my hand on my heart and started to breathe consciously, slowing things down and trying to come back into my body.
The panic, the trigger, the hyperventilation was like a tornado that lifted all my specific fears and anxieties into the air. Swirling around in my mind was a smattering of reasons why I couldn’t feel safe, couldn’t feel trust, couldn’t feel in control. The tears came and so did the naming of these fears. At first the thoughts fell out of my mouth as the build up of terrorizing ideas could no longer be contained. I shared with my husband the anxieties closest to me, top of mind, or more accurately, sitting on my chest and pressing me from all sides. As I spoke and released, creating a sliver of space for fresh air and clear thought to enter, lifesaving instruction from my intuition came through directing me to let it all out. I grabbed my phone and let it pour out, a purge into my notes app.
As I typed out one worry after the other, I could feel the pressure dissipate. I literally gave voice to all the worst case scenarios, I spoke my fears and honored the wisdom in each sentiment.
I felt compassion for these thoughts and feelings - they weren’t true but they weren’t wrong.
They simply needed the light of my loving attention, they needed to be heard and respected and then like ghosts who were pacified … they were gone.
Or at least stopped incessantly haunting me.
The Gateway Out of Purgatory …
Here is the exact list I wrote down that day. It’s not edited to make sense or make me look less crazy. This is what the cannon fodder of my mind looked like that day. Does it resonate with your push pull for change, your caterpillar resisting the cocoon?
Fear of not being able to thrive when all I have to depend on is me
Fear that me as a business is not enough
Fear that me as a business won’t work, that I don’t have what it takes to see it through and make it work
Fear of regressing into a broke person with money troubles
Fear of using all my money and not having savings or home down payment
Fear of the future
Fear of the overwhelm of starting and sustaining my own business doing something new
Fear of putting myself out there again
Fear of being judged as a coach, not qualified, who do I think I am, I’m not that successful
The void of the unknown, crippling black hole of no answers
Fear of relying on myself to be successful, to make something of myself
Fear that no one will buy
Fear that I won’t be good at coaching
Fear of putting myself out there making content
Fear that the content will be wack and people will see all my vulnerabilities and insecurities
Fear that I’ll be seen by people I’ve been avoiding
Fear that the world is going to implode, catch fire, violently descend into hell, chaotically unravel and I’ll be caught in the crossfire, unprepared and unable to help myself or my family
Fear that I’ll stick my head in a hole and won’t be able to deal
Fear that I’ll be attacked or used
If any of these fears did resonate, were you able to sense compassion or empathy standing in the wings of your heart? Did you notice sensation in the body from these statements pulling on strings of your heart? Might I suggest that those are indicators that parts of you are yearning for loving attention. A little bit of kind acknowledgement can go a long way.
So what happened AFTER that snot and tears session amongst the plants?
The “after” portion to my story is that when I cleared my body and mind of the panic and chaos caused by rampant unacknowledged fears, I was able to move and take action. Being with the part of me that was suffering from anxiety and hearing her fears allowed the death grip keeping me stuck to ease up and release. With the anxious thoughts now stored in the notes app of my phone I was freed up, a literal load lifted off my shoulders. From there I began to slowly walk my path, take action toward my vision and I broke through to the other side of those fears. Sure, they might re-emerge from time to time but now I have the experience in my bones of knowing I’ve sidestepped these paralyzing beliefs before. I know how to resuscitate myself and ground in the truth after a bout of disorienting fearful thinking. I know how to bounce back.
Let’s apply this process to anxious thoughts holding you back.
How To Get Unstuck And Stop Spiraling …
Set aside a few minutes in a quiet, private space to air out your own list.
Get settled and ground yourself in your body. Sit on a meditation pillow on the floor and do a body scan. Slow and elongate your breath to become more present.
When you feel ready, call to mind your own crossroads, dilemma, heartache, longing or choice. Go to the one that feels overwhelmingly big and scary. Allow the full spectrum of your thoughts and feelings to come forward. Keep consciously breathing as you allow the thoughts to spill out with no restraint. Notice the sensations in your body and try not to squash or control what arises.
Now, start to name your anxieties and fears. Avoid judgment or debate,let the scared part of you have space to be heard. Keep breathing deep as you welcome these thoughts and feelings.
Begin to write down your list of fears and anxieties. Keep a hand on your heart to let yourself know you’re there in solidarity, that you’re on your own side with love and compassion.
As you write or once it’s complete - name these ghosts out loud. If possible, speak it to a trusted confidant, have them listen without responding. A loving witness can be a miraculous balm.
Reread your list and listen with kindness and understanding. What comes up for you? Your fears and anxieties are not irrational. How does it feel to have some release and relief from holding it back, holding it in, pretending it’s not pushing up against you?
Congrats on this powerful step. Now, don’t stop there …
If you’ve been wanting to make a shift in your life and it hasn’t happened yet, don’t beat yourself up about it. Take stock of how you’re telling the story of this situation.
Are you the victim in this scenario?
Do you tell a story of having no control over the situation?
Notice if you’re concluding another way isn’t possible or isn’t for you.
When you speak about this undesired situation are you mostly complaining about what is or blaming some external source?
The way you perceive and talk about your circumstance is instrumental to whether or not it changes. So my advice is, consciously craft statements of gratitude about your situation and statements that clearly describe the vision you have for something new. Then choose to speak those whenever the topic comes up. Move your energy from reinforcing a position of powerlessness to speaking something new into reality. This step is a big deal and a massive upleveling in personal responsibility.
Once you bring yourself into the field of gratitude and visioning you’re primed to make big moves and have miracles bust out in your life. At this stage, we can work together to crank up your imagination and inner knowing and get really clear about what exactly you want and the multiple pathways to get there. With clarity of vision and an optimistic energy you’ll be a living gateway for what you want to come through.
Know that you don’t have to trek out into the void alone. The most successful and satisfied people have been lifted up with the aid of coaches, mentors, experts, counselors or allies.
If the entire battle of what to do only exists inside of you, in your mind, then you’re bearing the brunt of it all and that doesn’t give you much of a fighting chance.
I’m here to help initiate your vision …
If you want to make art of your life, if you want to weave the divine into your personal and business transformation. I’m your person.
If you’re interested in working together, schedule a time for us to talk on my website.